Recently I have come into serious doubt about my ideals. As anyone who has been consistently or least occasionally read the past entries would probably know, I have been in depression for a very long time now. Practically longer than any previous bout of depression.
Maybe it's the tsunami (Ha.).
Maybe it's just time to wake up from this beautiful rose-tinted dream I've been having my whole life. Personally I'd like to believe that people are really good-natured, that the world is filled with problems only because they are trials that we have to pass; that Murphy's law applies to us only because there is something to learn and that eventually all problems will be solved. On the personal side, I'd like to believe that everything is going according to plan and that I'm heading in the right direction towards self-fulfillment/actualisation.
But unfortunately, all 20 years of precedents telling me otherwise have now sunk in on me telling me exactly what I have landed myself into. Gone are the days where there were still choices to be made. Gone are the days of youth and restlessness.
Even though I like Larkin's themes and stuff, I have consistently refused to succumb to his line of thinking - that life is bleak and time robs us of our choices. But in the recent years, the more I live life, the harder I have found to reject his ideas.
Perhaps I have somehow fallen into this sphere of negativity without me knowing. Perhaps its just me acting up. Perhaps it's external sources of stress that have accumulated so much that I'm spliting up like the dam when a flood occurs.
I don't know, but someone please get me out of this blackhole that is eating me up.
