I don't know why, but everytime I try to blog these days, I keep feeling this guilt trip, that I should be with my books and not here. I think I'm getting obsessed, so much so that one day when I look into the mirror I won't be seeing myself anymore. A studious girl maybe, but just not me. hmmm. Not a good sign I guess but oh well, I can't help it I've sold my soul to the devil that's called law. (Yes I know, I'm just not actively trying to remove myself from this situation, but what else can I do?*shrug*)
Then there is this want to withhold thoughts nowadays, I'm like since when have I become so afraid of being heard and seen? I dislike being the present me - so obviously conflicted from within. Like why should I even bother what the world thinks.
Anyway, those are just some small issues I have to work out with my present self and hopefully the real me wins. This is one of those occassions when I would have this urge to put in a conversation between the real me and the present me, but no, not today I guess. Not feeling particularly neurotic.
I think even my subconscious is telling me something - I keep getting these dreams about taking a vactation and just doing nothing of consequence or just pure retail therapy. Sighs. And the break is supposed to be over...well I should be glad that two out of four of the biggest obstacles to life this term are over.
I know that there are opinions saying that taking control of one's life is breaking free from these routines that leave you with no choice other than to follow them. As with all self-help theories and advice, it is easier said than done. I mean how do you know that things are definitely going to get better if you stop the routine? They could very well get worse. Trust me, I got off my routines for two days and this giant monster called overdue work suddenly emerged from the masses of papers on desks. We have enough to deal with and I sure don't need one of those creatures. Not in the near future anyway.
Oh yes, at this point, the self-help author will say that these monsters are representative of our fears of breaking free from routines. My reply to them is that they should go whack themselves with a bottle or something and say hello to real life. The thing is, these monsters are just there, they are not imagined. Just telling me that unwashed dishes over three days do not clog up the kitchen washing area. So it's not just a 'fear', it's perfectly valid.
And while bitching about fears is not going to solve the problem, breaking free isn't either. Simply because this is illogical - like how do you break free of something which has complete control over you? With conviction, you say. But this is not cold turkey treatment for drug addiction. We could be talking about a livelihood or the social purpose of one's life - work that is.
It's sad but true, I think these routines are a necessary evil and they are here to stay untill we eventually revert to mother nature's way of life - without the money economy and technology and the comforts of a modern lifestyle.
Okay, enough bitching. It's time to get back to life.
